Mind Matters
There is only one person in a narcissistic relationship – and it isn’t you, writes therapeutic coach Lynn Scholes
If you read my article in the last issue of Live Ribble Valley you will be fully aware, even if you haven’t been there, how destructive a narcissistic relationship can be.
Entering a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and damaging. Recognising and avoiding such relationships requires awareness, vigilance and a commitment to self-care. Everyone should be aware of how to avoid getting into the most damaging of relationships. If you have been there before, there will be no need to tell you to be careful. If you have not experienced the impact of such a relationship, there is still a number of key things to look out for.
Narcissists often exhibit an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration and a lack of empathy for others. They may manipulate, exploit and demean those around them to maintain their self-image. Being aware of these characteristics can help in identifying potential red flags early in a relationship. Even in early conversations the way they speak about themselves and others, can generate a discomfort in you that is often too easy to brush to one side as someone just trying too hard to impress.
Pay attention to how the person talks about their past relationships. Narcissists often describe their ex-partners in entirely negative terms, portraying themselves as the perpetual victim. They may also boast excessively about their achievements, seeking constant validation. If you notice someone frequently steering conversations back to themselves or showing little interest in your thoughts and feelings, it could be a warning sign.
Initial impressions can be deceiving, as narcissists are often charming and charismatic. Take your time to get to know the person and observe their behaviour in different situations. Notice how they treat others, particularly those they perceive as having lower status. Consistently disrespectful or condescending behaviour towards service staff, for instance, can be indicative of a narcissistic personality.
Be aware of what others say about the past relationships or attitudes of the person you are considering starting a relationship with. If there’s a common theme that backs up your initial thoughts trust your gut instincts. It can save a lot of pain later.
Establishing and maintaining personal boundaries is essential. Narcissists often test these limits, seeking to dominate and control. This may begin from your initial meeting or phone calls.
Be firm and assertive in enforcing your limits and observe the response. A healthy partner will respect your boundaries, whereas a narcissist will likely react negatively or try to manipulate you into changing them.
Maintaining a strong sense of self-worth and confidence is crucial. Narcissists often prey on individuals with low self-esteem, exploiting their insecurities. Engage in activities that build your confidence. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to tolerate disrespectful or manipulative behaviour from others.
Listen to your gut feelings. If something feels off, it probably is. Narcissists are skilled at creating confusion and doubt in their partners, causing them to second-guess their perceptions. Trusting your instincts and taking your feelings seriously can help you avoid falling under their power.
If you find yourself repeatedly attracting narcissistic partners, consider seeking help from a therapist. Professional guidance can help you understand underlying patterns in your relationship choices and develop healthier ones. Therapy can also provide tools to strengthen your self-esteem and improve your ability to set and maintain boundaries.
Don’t kid yourself that they will change, even if there are encouraging signs. It won’t last and is often a part of the power play. A good, healthy relationship should add to your life in a positive way. You should be equal partners and be shown love and respect. Don’t accept anything less – it is what you deserve.
Lynn Scholes is a writer, therapeutic coach, trainer and speaker working with individuals and companies.
To find out more contact Lynn on 07753 579745 or go to: focus101.co.uk
