Mind Matters

Therapeutic coach Lynn Scholes explains gaslighting, the confusion it causes and how a victim can eventually find clarity

Gaslighting is the most insidious form of manipulation used to destroy a person’s confidence and self-esteem in order to gain greater control. The psychological implications can range from that of feeling confused to a person genuinely believing that they losing their mind.

I recently worked with a client who, following two years of this type of abuse, was questioning if she maybe had a brain tumour. She was so afraid this was true that she couldn’t face going to the doctor and getting a diagnosis. The anxiety this fear was causing brought her to me.

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique that seeks to make a person doubt their own perceptions, memories or understanding of reality. The term originates from the 1938 play. ‘Gas Light’, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by dimming the gas lights and denying that the light has changed when she points it out.

This form of manipulation can occur in various types of relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family dynamics and even in workplace settings.

The process of gaslighting often involves the gaslighter denying facts, dismissing the victim’s feelings or twisting information to confuse and destabilise the victim. Over time, the victim may begin to question their own judgment.

Gaslighting can manifest in several ways – the gaslighter may lie about past events, insist the victim is misremembering or minimise their feelings and experiences. They might also use projection, accusing the victim of being manipulative or deceitful, which can further confuse and deflect attention from the gaslighter’s own behaviour.

There is no one reason why a perpetrator chooses to gaslight but these include:
• CONTROL AND POWER: The primary motive is often to gain control over another person. This can be seen in abusive relationships where the abuser wants to maintain power.
• AVOIDING ACCOUNTABILITY: Gaslighting is also used to deflect blame and avoid responsibility. By convincing the victim that their concerns are unfounded or exaggerated, the gaslighter can evade consequences for their behaviour, whether it’s infidelity, dishonesty, or other harmful actions.
• SELF-PROTECTION: By invalidating someone else’s perspective, they can maintain a facade of being in the right or being morally superior.
• INSECURITY AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM: By diminishing others, they seek to elevate themselves or alleviate their own feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
• MANIPULATION AND EXPLOITATION: Gaslighting can be a tool for manipulation, used to exploit someone for personal gain, whether in a personal relationship, at work or in other settings.
• LEARNED BEHAVIOUR: Some people gaslight because they have been exposed to similar behaviour in their past, such as in their family. They may have learnt that this is a way to deal with conflicts or assert control.

The impact of gaslighting can be severe. Victims may experience anxiety, depression and a sense of isolation as they feel increasingly disconnected. They may also struggle with trusting their own thoughts, leading to a cycle of dependency on the gaslighter for validation. In some cases, the effects can be long-lasting, even after the gaslighting has ended, as the victim may continue to grapple with self-doubt.

Recognising gaslighting is the first step towards addressing it. Some signs that one might be a victim of gaslighting include frequently questioning one’s own memory, feeling confused about what is true or false and feeling like one is walking on eggshells around the gaslighter. It is also common for victims to feel a sense of dread when discussing certain topics, as they anticipate the gaslighter’s dismissive or hostile reaction.

Ultimately, overcoming gaslighting involves reclaiming one’s sense of reality and self-worth.

If you believe you may be a victim, reach out to trusted family or friends. If like many victims of gaslighting you have been isolated from close relationships, get professional help.

In the next issue I will talk about the tactics employed by perpetrators and steps you can take to recover.

Lynn Scholes is a writer, therapeutic coach, trainer and speaker working with individuals and companies.

To find out more contact Lynn on 07753 579745 or go to: focus101.co.uk

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