Mind Matters
In the second article on gaslighting, therapeutic coach Lynn Scholes explains how we can break free and recover from the controlling actions of the perpetrators
There isn’t a definitive, widely accepted statistic that breaks down the percentage of men versus women who engage in gaslighting. Gaslighting is a complex behaviour driven by the needs of the perpetrator.
It is often observed within the context of power dynamics, such as in abusive relationships and can be seen in both men and women. That said, cultural and social factors can influence the prevalence and perception of gaslighting.
Because of these complexities, it’s difficult to assign specific percentages to which gender engages more in gaslighting. The behaviour itself is more tied to power, control and individual personality traits than to gender alone.
In the second part of this explanation of gaslighting, I am going to talk about some of the tactics employed by perpetrators. Later we will discuss the tactics of recovery.
Often the biggest challenge to recovery is that by the time a person understands what is happening, their confidence and self-esteem can be badly damaged. If you suspect a friend, family member or colleague may be a victim of gaslighting, slowly and gently try to get them to open up and discuss their thoughts, feelings and fears. Encourage them to get help. Unless you feel they are in danger, do not try to take over and make decisions on their behalf. Try to support them to make their own decisions and take appropriate action.
TYPICAL TACTICS
• DENIAL OF REALITY: The gaslighter insists that something did not happen or that the victim is misremembering events.
• COUNTERING: The perpetrator questions the victim’s memory or interpretation of events, often with misleading information.
• WITHHOLDING: The gaslighter pretends not to understand or refuses to listen to the victim.
• TRIVIALISING: They belittle or dismiss the victim’s feelings and concerns. For example: “You’re overreacting or you’re being too sensitive.”
• DIVERTING: The gaslighter changes the subject or questions the victim’s thoughts, thus diverting the conversation.
• FORGETTING OR DENIAL: They pretend to forget events or deny they happened.
• PROJECTION: The gaslighter accuses the victim of the very behaviour they are exhibiting.
TAKE BACK CONTROL
• RECOGNISE THE SIGNS: Awareness is the first step. Acknowledge that gaslighting is happening and that it is a form of manipulation.
• DOCUMENT EVENTS: Keep a record of conversations, incidents and behaviours. This can help validate your experiences and provide a clear account.
• SEEK SUPPORT: Talk to trusted friends, family members or a therapist. External perspectives can help affirm the reality.
• REBUILD SELF-TRUST: Engage in activities that strengthen your confidence and self-esteem. Trust your instincts.
• SET BOUNDARIES: Clearly define what behaviour you will not tolerate. Communicate these boundaries and stick to them. Only do this if you feel confident the perpetrator will not react aggressively to being challenged.
• LIMIT OR CUT OFF CONTACT: In cases of severe gaslighting, it may be necessary to distance yourself or cut ties with the perpetrator.
• THERAPEUTIC INTERVENTIONS: Professional therapy can provide tools and strategies to cope with the effects of gaslighting.
• EDUCATION: Educate yourself about gaslighting and narcissistic behaviours.
By understanding these tactics and employing recovery strategies, individuals can regain their sense of reality and autonomy, fostering healthier relationships and emotional well-being.
Once you have taken back control of your life and rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem, I strongly suggest that you take a look at how you got into that relationship? If the gaslighting was the perpetrator’s response to a particular event and those behaviours were not there from the start of the relationship, that is one scenario. However, it is worth checking that you were not drawn into a manipulative relationship, and if you were, why? The only way to ensure it doesn’t happen again, is to understand and resolve the deep-seated reasons behind it.
Gaslighting can put a person in a lonely and scary place. However, it is absolutely possible to regain and rebuild your life and learn from the experience.
Lynn Scholes is a writer, therapeutic coach, trainer and speaker working with individuals and companies.
To find out more contact Lynn on 07753 579745 or go to: focus101.co.uk
